I know I talked before about language with the boys, and touched a bit on repeating and First/Then but I have to take you through a regular day with Ryan.
As I explained before, First/Then is something we use in school and at home for Ryan and other kids who need to know what happens next after their unpreferred task or as a visual schedule. Ryan never used to be someone who needed this but it has gotten progressively more and more as the years went on. He now constantly asks “First we have lunch, then?” “Supper, sleep, breakfast, then?” All day he wants to know what’s next. This can be very frustrating, of course because we don’t always know what is next and I don’t want to plan my days too far ahead. Thankfully he is usually ok when things change but not always. If it is something he really wanted to do and we can no longer do it he will get very upset. Sometimes have a meltdown and take a bit to be ok with that change.
I get it, I’m sure knowing what is next and next helps him feel organized and comfortable and we try to do it as much as we can. But there are definitely times when out of frustration I say “Ryan I don’t know what is next. Let’s just do this and see later” He doesn’t really like that of course but sometimes you just get to that point. Our days are not always the same so I do not want to get to the point that we always have a visual schedule for him, I want him to be able to change and do something different if needed. School is different, he can keep a pretty consistent schedule which is helpful. It lets him know what to expect and where he is going. There are many students I have worked with that use this and we rely on it for. They will use the pictures of the next places or tasks and the first then cards.
One thing Ryan will do all day if talking about a preferred task or thing he will be doing, is repeating. If he was going swimming that day after school or that afternoon on a weekend, he would continue, all day, to say swimming, swimming, swimming. This is probably the thing I find the most frustrating. Imagine it like when your toddler keeps coming up to you saying, “Mommy, mommy, mommy” We are constantly saying “Yes Ryan we are going swimming. Or yes, swimming after school.” But the thing is even when you say that, you would think he would be
like, ok I am going, and then good. But nope he will still continue to say it. He will be super fixated on it. I am sure it is a lot for them at school too just like it is for us.
He will sometimes say “Swimming is yes” and if you look at him and say “Yes Ryan, swimming is yes.” this will be good for a bit but it will not end until he goes. This is also true for if we are going away, say to a hotel in Halifax for a night or in the summer, camping or something. When he knows about it he will constantly ask about it. He will count down sleeps. “3 more sleeps, then.”
I am sure you are thinking then why tell him about it before? Sometimes we use it as an incentive for good behaviour. It works in some instances but not always. Sometimes it is because we are talking about it with Cole and he hears and sometimes you just tell him because we want him to know when we are doing fun things. We try to be better at waiting now until closer to. And to be honest he already knows when some things happen, like our yearly PEI trip in the summer. When school ends he will already start saying “Marco Polo” for the campground.
Hopefully this will be something that will ease up a bit as he gets older and understands things a bit more and we won’t have to constantly be saying “First this then this.” But for now we try to keep him happy by letting him know, even if it is the 26th time I’ve said it.
So next time your child says something twice to you and you feel a bit annoyed, think about how you would feel if he said it 50 times in a row, or all day long. There are times I feel I might snap and my patience runs thin. But we try to do our best, doing the little things to keep his day running smooth and keeping him happy
